Dear Sales People,

I’m tired of being sold.

Whether you call my office, flood my inbox, accost me when I enter your store, or plead with me to supersize my order, you use terrible tactics to “close” me.

It’s annoying and it doesn’t work.

There has to be a better way for you to get my money. Here are a few things you can do to improve your odds…

Stop selling products that don’t provide value.

You know if what you sell provides value or not. If not, stop selling it.

Go get another job where you can sell a product that actually helps people. It will be easier and you’ll sleep better at night.

Stop lying.

I’m sure lies used to work well, but those days are over. We’re in a transparent era and you can’t lie your way to a sale any more.

And yes, exaggerating counts as lying.

Stop pretending you know me.

You don’t know me. We’ve never met. You don’t know my needs.

So why do you act like we’re old college buddies? Do you think you’re going to trick me into thinking we have a relationship?

We don’t.

Stop talking.

I haven’t heard your pitch, but I know it’s too long. Cut it by 75% and remove any word you haven’t said in a non-sales conversation in the past year.

Ask questions. Listen. Learn. I don’t need your sales pitch — I only need you to answer my questions.

Stop sending emails I didn’t ask for.

It’s annoying. It doesn’t work. It makes me hate you.

And, it’s probably illegal.

Stop assuming you’re smarter than me.

You’re not. None of your customers are as dumb as you think they are.

If your sales technique relies on outsmarting your clients, you’re stupider than they are.

Stop trying to get past no.

Sales gurus taught you never to take no for an answer, but sometimes a no is just a no.

That’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up about it.

I didn’t say no because of you, just like I wouldn’t have said yes because of you. It’s about the product, not the sales person.

If you accept the no, we can both go on about our business and there’s a chance some day I will need your product and you can make your sale then.

But if you annoy the crap out of me trying to get past no, you’re never going to get to a yes.

Stop thinking I need you.

I don’t. The world’s changed and any information, product, or service I need can be found online.

You’re a middle man (or woman).

If you want to be helpful, that’s great. But don’t fool yourself into thinking I need you. I’ll be fine without you.

Stop acting like a movie character.

You’re not Ari Gold. This isn’t Glengarry Glen Ross.

Just be a real person and we’ll be fine.

Stop trying to “sell” me.

Start trying to help me instead and I’m sure we’ll live happily ever after.